12.04pm – Richard Wilkins!!!!! Not sure who these other dickheads they keep “crossing back to” are.
12.08pm – They are joined by a “fashion expert”, some beefcake they seem to have pulled out of a gay gym. Not sure who is going to take fashion advice from a middle aged man in a shirt so tight he can’t lift his arms. Seems to think wearing sunglasses on top of his head is somehow disguising the fact that he’s completely bald.
12.14pm – Shut up, Baz Luhrmann. This man should have his Australian citizenship revoked.
12.21pm – Kate Winslet looking relatively composed. Check back around the time of the Best Actress award. I’m sure they’ll have paramedics on standby. She does look amazing though.
12.23pm – EMERGENCY. Hugh Jackman’s wife appears to have the head of a cave troll.
12.26pm – Melissa George has come dressed as a toilet brush.
12.30pm – shut up shut up it’s starting!!
12.40pm – Somehow missed that Brangelina were both nominated. Where have they put all the children?
12.44pm – Time has not been kind to Eva Marie Saint.
12.46pm – Surgeons have not been kind to Goldie Hawn.
12.49pm – Penelope Cruz takes the first award. If I wanted to hear someone cry and babble madly in Spanish I would switch to SBS.
12.54pm – “Every great film starts with a great screenplay… or a really great idea for the poster.”
1.07pm – Five out of five predictions correct! Should have put money on this shit. Like candy from a baby, bitchezzz. I may be drunk.
1.12pm – Kittens have slept through the last half hour. Mittens is hanging upside down off my belly. It’s like she doesn’t care about Art Direction.
1.17pm – Ben Button gets its first award. Nauseating. Glad they raised the music on those twats.
1.24pm – Another award for B. Butts. Hopefully the last.
1.26pm – Cedric Diggery is on TV!!!! RIP Cedric, Lord Voldemort took you from us too young.
1.35pm – Slumdog for cinematography. This man’s amazing cinematography powers must be housed in his awful haircut. I see no other reason one might keep that greasy pomeranian thing about one’s head.
1.43pm – That guy who looks like James Dean is still hot when he’s pumping staples into Seth Rogen’s face.
1.51pm – I hate B. Butts and I cannot lie, all you other viewers can’t deny. When a film walks in with an itty bitty script and some dull actors in the mix you get Bored…
1.55pm – Ahh, musical number. I love the stage. I wonder if I could fit it in our spare room?
2.07pm – Time for Heath Ledger to win…….
2.07pm – Gosh duh, ’sif that wasn’t going to happen. You’d think they could play something that sounded a little less like clown music given the circumstances.
2.09pm – Brad Pitt is crying. The guy from the Pianist is crying. Anne Hathaway is crying. Robert Downey Jnr. is misty, although that could be the cocaine.
2.12pm – Documentaries bla bla bla
2.22pm – Apparently Jim Schembri is also live blogging the Oscars. I may as well just quit now.
2.26pm – B.Butts wins another fucking award blrahghsdfghf. Over The Dark Knight and Iron Man?? Did they see the visual effects in that shit?? Not ONCE did Benjamin Button blow up a hospital or fly through the air with jet shoes. NOT ONCE. To quote Jim for a second, “The Dark Knight people must be quietly grinding their teeth right now”
2.29pm – o0o0o well at least it won Sound Editing, la-Di-da.
2.31pm – Please don’t let Wanted win any awards please please please
2.31pm – oh thank you god
2.35pm – Somebody get a mop and bucket cos Slumdog is CLEANING UP. (also Jarvis Cocker’s uncle is accepting an award right now.)
2.44pm – Holy crap I had no idea Jerry Lewis was still alive! Time for lunch.
2.50pm – In some non-Oscar related news, I accidentally left the crumpets out, Sia is playing at the Corner Hotel and “Vince Colossimo’s CUSTOMS” will probably be the worst show ever.
2.54pm – A. R. Rahmen has won the award for Best Score. Apparently this little dude is bigger than The Rolling Stones in India.
2.55pm – song time song time song time!!!!!!
3.00pm – Well, that was pretty disappointing. Where is M.I.A.? Who is that black guy? John Legend? Awful. I was angry about them cutting the songs down to a minute, but thank god he didn’t go on for any longer than that.
3.08pm – Japanese people accepting awards is basically the best thing. “I AM. VERY. HAPPY.”
3.21pm – Danny Boyle takes Best Director, which seals the deal for Slumdog to win best picture as well. I was hoping for some upsets but everything has basically gone to plan.
3.26pm – Time for Best Actress. This bringing out former winners thing is quite nice. Kittens are awake again.
3.30pm – Sofia Loren looks like a Gremlin that’s been put in the microwave. You could make a belt out of her face.
3.32pm – How did they get Kate Winslet’s hair into that shape? She’s remained remarkably composed, I think the Queen would have put a hit out on her if she repeated her Golden Globes “performance”.
3.39pm – You would think Sean Penn would have the modesty to close his legs a little while they announce his nomination.
3.41pm – Surprised Anthony Hopkins wasn’t physically sick while calling Brad Pitt a “brilliant actor”.
3.42pm – Cedric Diggery appears to be plotting something just past Mickey Rourke’s shoulder.
3.43pm – Hooray for Sean Penn bla bla etc etc
3.47pm – BEST PICTURE TIME YOU GUYS
3.48pm – Apparently I am mistaken and it’s actually MONTAGE TIME!!
3.54pm – Well, Slumdog takes the gold and we can all go home. The kids are cute though.
4.00pm – I feel incredibly empty! All that effort put into something so fleeting and predictable! Perhaps I should boycott the Oscars next year… or bet a huge amount of money on them instead.
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